Control is an illusion.
Ouch...a hard truth, I know. If there is anything 2020 has shown us, it’s that feeling “in control” is not the same as actually being “in control”. The truth is...control is just an illusion. Each time we feel like we’ve got it all figured it out, something changes. Something outside of our control is just around the corner, prepared to throw a wrench in our plans and cause all sorts of distress and problems. But I wonder... perhaps the problem doesn’t lie with all the external forces plotting to sabotage us from being “in control”. Perhaps the problem is, that we have mistakenly begun to think we ever had things “in control” in the first place.
Reflect.
Think about all the ways in which you try to gain control in your life. The way you use lists, organize, clean, analyze, and schedule to feel “in control”. What does all of this effort give you? Does it give you predictability? Does it give you a sense of calm? Allow yourself to reflect on when your desire to be “in control” took priority in your life? What was happening around you? Do you know why searching for ways to feel in control seemed necessary?
Gently ask yourself... If you didn’t gain a sense of control, what remained? Was there chaos? Blame for things that were not yours? Loneliness? Fear? Take a moment to reflect.. is your need to be “in control” an attempt to protect yourself from feeling uncomfortable, uncertain or unsafe? Deepen this reflection to the present day. Do you still rely on being “in control”? Does it still provide a sense of security?
Connect.
As you become aware of how being “in control” helps you feel safe...recognize the emotions you may protect yourself from feeling. Make space for them to be seen by you. Felt by you. Connecting with them allows them to move along more quickly. As they move along, a sense of feeling grounded will follow.
Through this practice, you may realize being “out of control” is certain, being “in control” is an illusion... and you are capable of being resilient through it all. Demonstrate to yourself that you are, indeed, in control of something...your emotions.
